don’t die.

I heard that giving birth is painful yet bringing joy. This mother, who always grumbles of how annoying a child could be is just giving a birth — — again.

Could it be not about the baby? Could it be a joy about a new us? Perhaps, we ourselves, send us deliberately to something we don’t really know. The postman is awesome as always! He sent the package to the right belly.

“I haven’t smiled in a long time” said this tired mother, sending her lament to a -god- she believe, while the postman is on his way to this mother womb. This mother knows exactly what she wants. She wants company but she doesn’t want a child, more. She wants a little happiness, but she knows for real how colorful it is to be a mother. It takes energy and sometimes getting worse but a little happiness in being a mother is undefined.

***
Was it really about a new us?
***

This not so pretty girl, whose hair is so arid with her dark skin color and the fatty body is just like the mother. What a lament! What a prayer!
This grown woman was so cheerful back then, like a toddler who’s never shaking the legs because of feeling bored. But she’s a grown woman now. She carries all the problems in her own shoulder, no helping hand. She’s just like her mother. She grabs all she can grab from her mother, like a robber. She robbed the beauty, the ugliness, the fat, the hair, the skin color, the habit, the grumbling habit, and even the problems. She’s a pro robber.

This mother lives in a very narrow world.
This daughter lives in a little wider world.
But both bear the same sadness.
This mother rushes to fall in love, she rushes to be married, rushes to be a mother, rushes to be so overthinking then she’s dead.
This daughter dawdle to be a happy teenager until she’s 20s, dawdle to stay ignorant, dawdle to stay stupid, get no job, then she’s dead.
Only, this daughter knows how to fake life while she’s dead inside.
This mother knows how to survive for the sake of her children.

Once her mother told her,

‘why I put so much empathy on these people with mental disorders is just because I’ve been there before’
‘I did know how it feels to be depressed and unloved, so you want a good company so much but at the same time you already have one and you have more and you hate it and you just don’t know why and you hate yourself for that’
‘No one listening to me and I knew I died at that moment’

The time this story has spoken, Vincent by Don Mclean becomes so emotional song for her. She can’t hold the tears every time Don ends every verse with that ‘perhaps they’ll listen now’.

‘how it feels to be alive yet died?’

‘it feels dead’

***

‘growing old is this hard’
‘I bear all I shouldn’t bear’
‘I take care of everything’
‘I think, me too know exactly how it feels to be unhappy and dead while I’m alive, I hate the way you cloned you in me’
‘It’s even getting worse when I think about you who’s getting older’
‘But, I do love you’
‘I do not know’

‘Enlighten me! How come love can be so destroy?’

‘So many people die in the name of love’

***

In a world where mother giving birth to a son and daughter, life isn’t easy. Finding a way to die is easy, indeed. These depressed people know exactly how to die, but they scared. All the depressed one want to die, but they kill their soul first, the body waiting for dead. How terrifying! How horrible!
A death is an ending of our sucks life, indeed, but it’s also a beginning of another depressed one who stay, the people who love you enough.
We’re a pro of hurting each other,right?

This earth with the miracles from somewhere out of it embraces you. You can’t really see it. They are hiding. Those million people who stay alive is waiting for their turn, they want to claim the happiness before their vanish and they know exactly the card claim is right on the love dualism. Though love hurts, it’s still worth to try.
In a world where human being is the devil, don’t die!